Enlightenment Retreat
Three laptops were available for participants to record their thoughts, impressions and communications. Some kept a running log of the Retreat.
Day One
I am noticing that I like to ease my tensions by reinforcing some form
of the ego. This “running” away from tension is usually in the form of
a pleasurable feeling or an overwhelming amount of sensation which
pushes down the part of myself that I do not want to face. These
aspects I am noticing have occurred since childhood and relate to
specific events where I felt powerless, was fearful of being rejected
by others, and being seen as inferior by others. I guess it is time
for me to make some decisions and choices whether these strategies
still work for me and if I want to be open to accepting myself more.
Ah, self love is love for everything
Minh Tre
Debbie
Jim
There is this overwhelming desire for perfection. I’ve had it all
along and only now I realise it in its fullness. I notice how it holds
me back in life.
This desire for perfection is the father and the fear of failure is
the mother. They are complementary and until both get purified the
fear and the desire seem separate. However, I am slowly realising now
that they are one and the same thing to the degree that both
annihilate themselves in each other. The desire for perfection is the
energy rising in my body. The fear of failure is the energy falling in
my body.
I’ve done experiencing the fear of failure to death in this life. Boy,
do I have it mapped out. On the other hand, I am not entirely
proficient with being conscious and aware of my desire for perfection.
Only now, is it unfolding in all of its energetics in my body. I can
see now how this desire gets in the way of my expression to others.
How it holds me back. The fear of failure would hold me back in a
deathly, dull sort of way whereas now the desire for perfection holds
me back in a passionate, upward flowing sort of way.
Realising all this in my being feels absolutely miraculous! Thank you
to my dyad partner who was a perfect complement to what is currently
arising. I had the feeling that she was nurturing me in the exact way
needed for my awakening. God is graceful!
Hinewai
Today is the first day of three in the Enlightenment Intensive
weekend. For me it has been an interesting process. We went for a walk
this morning and I can’t get over the fact that it feels like I have
never ever left this place. Walking around out side has brought back
many memories from the past. Feelings of peace and acceptance love and
wonder. We are a group of about 13 -14 persons. Some have been here
for a few days already the Enlightenment Masters group.
During one of the Dyads today what kept coming up for me was my throat
area which is in need of focus and attention. As I focus on it as an
object it feels blocked. But not with hard matter it feels like liquid
and when I touch just under the Adams apple it feels like I am having
an orgasmic experience, at least the foreplay of it anyway. It opens
up and releases in the form of a sound. A deep full mellow sound with
gentle tones.
I have noticed all my life that I have always been afraid to speak in
large groups (I’m ok one on one) when I put my attention on my throat
and express the sounds that want to come up there is a flow of bliss.
The nervousness seemed to leave the area and I did not feel nervous at
all when specking in the circle. I will make my throat the object of
my contemplation this weekend and see what else comes up…
The comfortable feeling in this type of environment is very pleasing.
You can see god’s presence everywhere and in everybody. The need to be
in this pool of love is irresistible, how can one not want to
surrender. A reminder that we are one with very thing and yet so
separate..That stuff between us all that gets clogged up and in the
way, makes it hard for us to see each other as we really are..however
I am surprised that even in this environment I feel separate from
others no matter how hard I try to put my attention on them. If I am
to lend myself as a empty vessel to be filled with otherness what will
become/s of me?
It is now later in the evening and we have just done a blind fold
dyad..That was different, it was hard for me to contemplate as there
was so much sound around so many different voices going on at once. I
didn’t know what or who I was. The pain in my stomach and back I could
relate easily too and pinpoint it really accurately then communicate
that. But the rest was like a radio playing lots of channels at the
same time a real head fuck..not hard or sharp but soft.
Darren
I feel as though I just have to trust the technique. I don’t know what
progress I’m making and if I’m supposed to feel it as I’m doing it
right I’m not aware of that feeling. And yet I believe I’m doing the
technique correctly. I’m struggling with a tendency to want to make
progress like any other endeavour and the need to stay constantly
contemplating oneself in the moment. I can’t help attaching value
judgements to my assessment of my progress.
As far as my contemplations themselves they revolve around a tightness
and limitation feeling in my object . there is a stablility and
predictability to this feeling almost to the extent that I may have a
pre-conceived idea of myself. I am aware of this though and am doing
my best not to.
Morning One of Enlightenment Intensive retreat
Lany
I love it when another part of the bullshit ego dies evrytime I do an
Intensive ,I claim another part of myself
Oh so liberating the energy unleashes and it's pure bliss.
I don't want to pretend anymore, hide away I want all of me right now
all the ugly gross parts
that want to appear I accept them I invite them to come forth, Im
ready to die Oh lord I;m ready to die with a capital D.
FUCK I just became consious of the fact that I can express my truth
at any given moment my true self can't be put down anialated
destroyed it's invinsible.
I ME MY TRUE SELF can't be rejected there is no such thing.
I keep having to pass on my thoughts. Let them go. The answers that my
clever fuck mind so generously volunteers for me to satisfy my
partners need to know me, thanks but no thanks. It aint good enough.
Work harder. I want to deepen, i want to keep making jumps to the next
level. COME ON! 3 Dyads in, I am worried. I am worried i will spend 3
days of giving bullshit answers. Help myself.
Lany
Lany
I'm suddenly just an empty vessle pur your everything into me I have
infinate room, for everyone love joy I am joy I'm the love there is
nothing else fill me up I'm ready to recieve.
Lany
LISA
Am I this or am I that? Slipping down into ego, slipping up into
consciousness. I feel the drawing up - irresistable, natural,
instinctive, magnetic, familiar, known. I feel the drawing down -
panic, fear, having to let go of something that I want to keep.
Things that the mind has made so precious. Things that the mind can't
imagine living without. The whole point of existence hinges on
keeping these things. If I let them all go, then who will see me. If
I'm not seen then who will love me. If I'm not loved then I don't
exist anymore. Who is existing then? It's such a stupid game. I'm
tired of the game of matching ego against ego - working out how to get
what I want, playing under rules and regulations that have never
worked. Frustration. Frustration about wasting even more time in
dwelling in this shit for even a moment longer.
This or that? It's all up to me. I have the power to be this or
that. Make a choice. A friend of mine tells me to just make a
choice, any choice, stop vacillitating in ambivalence and
apprehension. He says, whatever choice I make will be instantly
corrected by Spirit to serve the ultimate purpose. I see more now
though, that I think I am making choices with my mind - choosing for
doingness; in actuality Self is being in a way that how the choices
are being made would never be able to be comprehended by the mind.
It's not even choice being made, it's just this non-individual being
expressing into the world in it's own unique way. There are
expressions occurring, not choices being made. Every experience in
this life, every other in this life, every event in this life, every
thing in and surrounding this life, are all occurring at the behest of
myself. From the power and potential that flows from Self, a life is
created. And it's perfect. Self created. Inspired. Alive. Roaring
through the world. Touching all things. Attaching to no thing.
LISA
DARREN
for the first time since arriving i've felt a feeling of not wanting
to be here. the last couple of hours it's been more a a challenge to
keep my attention on myself and a vague feeling of fear or dislike of
what's happening. my ego wants it to mean that i'm making progress and
yet it could also just be a slipping back which is also my ego.
there's a very quiet but present determination to continue doing the
technique.
DARREN
Con
Calm. The thoughts wash away as quickly as they came. Left in their
wake is emptiness. The silent dark space in my brain. I feel calm.
Trying to get a sense of myself when there is nothing left to hang on
to. Im not my personalities. Im not my memories. Im not my stories. Im
not my moods. And i sure as shit aint my fears. Whats left? Lets see
what storm may bring tomorrow.
Con
MINH-TRI LE
FOR SO LONG I HAD THOUGHT I AM WHAT MY BODY IS, AND WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE. FOR SO LONG I THOUGHT OTHER PEOPLE WAS HOW THEY LOOKED. FOR THE
FIRST TIME I WALKED IN THE GARDEN OF KNOWING MYSELF WITHOUT THE
JUDGING EYE - FOR THE FIRST TIME! IT WAS LIKE WITNESSING A STAR IN THE
SKY FROM DARKNESS. HOW COULD I EVER, EVER , EVER FORGET THIS KNOWING.
MY HEART OPENED 800% TO MYSELF, IT FELT SO RIGHT. MY HEART OPENED AS
MUCH TO OTHERS - IT FELT SO VERY RIGHT. GOODBYE.. AND HELLO!!!
MINH-TRI LE
----------
Kosta
Love (from Me to Me),
Me
Kosta
christy
sit and Notice all the body distractions
I immediately have to go to the toliet
my throat tightnes
hard to breathe
I notice my spine aches
I am holding my attention throught it all
then my body begins toshake massively
I fear going into convulsions
focus is broken now
christy
christy
There is a sense of distraction of all the sounds
I keep bringing my attention back to myself
I name the distractions and let them go
To bring myself back to myself
Then there seems to be a subtle essence
Of the summerness that is
Individual things/noises blend into one
But there is an unsuredness about this when
The thought/mind breaks in again
Its all so subtle,
christy
Three laptops were available for participants to record their thoughts, impressions and communications. Some kept a running log of the Retreat.
Day One
I am noticing that I like to ease my tensions by reinforcing some form
of the ego. This “running” away from tension is usually in the form of
a pleasurable feeling or an overwhelming amount of sensation which
pushes down the part of myself that I do not want to face. These
aspects I am noticing have occurred since childhood and relate to
specific events where I felt powerless, was fearful of being rejected
by others, and being seen as inferior by others. I guess it is time
for me to make some decisions and choices whether these strategies
still work for me and if I want to be open to accepting myself more.
Ah, self love is love for everything
Minh Tre
Debbie
I am conscious of creating difference between myself and other.
When I focus on the difference, the mind is at work, discriminating,
evaluating, categorizing.
But when I know the sameness, when I am conscious of creating the difference, aahhh….the bliss floods me, my heart is so wide to receive the beauty and grace and endless playfulness of the divine. Specifically while doing my yoga under a tree, I experienced our unity with the energy rising up the spine and blowing open the heart…..an orgasmic exchange, which continued (and continues now) with creation.
When I focus on the difference, the mind is at work, discriminating,
evaluating, categorizing.
But when I know the sameness, when I am conscious of creating the difference, aahhh….the bliss floods me, my heart is so wide to receive the beauty and grace and endless playfulness of the divine. Specifically while doing my yoga under a tree, I experienced our unity with the energy rising up the spine and blowing open the heart…..an orgasmic exchange, which continued (and continues now) with creation.
Jim
There is this overwhelming desire for perfection. I’ve had it all
along and only now I realise it in its fullness. I notice how it holds
me back in life.
This desire for perfection is the father and the fear of failure is
the mother. They are complementary and until both get purified the
fear and the desire seem separate. However, I am slowly realising now
that they are one and the same thing to the degree that both
annihilate themselves in each other. The desire for perfection is the
energy rising in my body. The fear of failure is the energy falling in
my body.
I’ve done experiencing the fear of failure to death in this life. Boy,
do I have it mapped out. On the other hand, I am not entirely
proficient with being conscious and aware of my desire for perfection.
Only now, is it unfolding in all of its energetics in my body. I can
see now how this desire gets in the way of my expression to others.
How it holds me back. The fear of failure would hold me back in a
deathly, dull sort of way whereas now the desire for perfection holds
me back in a passionate, upward flowing sort of way.
Realising all this in my being feels absolutely miraculous! Thank you
to my dyad partner who was a perfect complement to what is currently
arising. I had the feeling that she was nurturing me in the exact way
needed for my awakening. God is graceful!
Hinewai
Today is the first day of three in the Enlightenment Intensive
weekend. For me it has been an interesting process. We went for a walk
this morning and I can’t get over the fact that it feels like I have
never ever left this place. Walking around out side has brought back
many memories from the past. Feelings of peace and acceptance love and
wonder. We are a group of about 13 -14 persons. Some have been here
for a few days already the Enlightenment Masters group.
During one of the Dyads today what kept coming up for me was my throat
area which is in need of focus and attention. As I focus on it as an
object it feels blocked. But not with hard matter it feels like liquid
and when I touch just under the Adams apple it feels like I am having
an orgasmic experience, at least the foreplay of it anyway. It opens
up and releases in the form of a sound. A deep full mellow sound with
gentle tones.
I have noticed all my life that I have always been afraid to speak in
large groups (I’m ok one on one) when I put my attention on my throat
and express the sounds that want to come up there is a flow of bliss.
The nervousness seemed to leave the area and I did not feel nervous at
all when specking in the circle. I will make my throat the object of
my contemplation this weekend and see what else comes up…
The comfortable feeling in this type of environment is very pleasing.
You can see god’s presence everywhere and in everybody. The need to be
in this pool of love is irresistible, how can one not want to
surrender. A reminder that we are one with very thing and yet so
separate..That stuff between us all that gets clogged up and in the
way, makes it hard for us to see each other as we really are..however
I am surprised that even in this environment I feel separate from
others no matter how hard I try to put my attention on them. If I am
to lend myself as a empty vessel to be filled with otherness what will
become/s of me?
It is now later in the evening and we have just done a blind fold
dyad..That was different, it was hard for me to contemplate as there
was so much sound around so many different voices going on at once. I
didn’t know what or who I was. The pain in my stomach and back I could
relate easily too and pinpoint it really accurately then communicate
that. But the rest was like a radio playing lots of channels at the
same time a real head fuck..not hard or sharp but soft.
Darren
I feel as though I just have to trust the technique. I don’t know what
progress I’m making and if I’m supposed to feel it as I’m doing it
right I’m not aware of that feeling. And yet I believe I’m doing the
technique correctly. I’m struggling with a tendency to want to make
progress like any other endeavour and the need to stay constantly
contemplating oneself in the moment. I can’t help attaching value
judgements to my assessment of my progress.
As far as my contemplations themselves they revolve around a tightness
and limitation feeling in my object . there is a stablility and
predictability to this feeling almost to the extent that I may have a
pre-conceived idea of myself. I am aware of this though and am doing
my best not to.
Morning One of Enlightenment Intensive retreat
Lany
I love it when another part of the bullshit ego dies evrytime I do an
Intensive ,I claim another part of myself
Oh so liberating the energy unleashes and it's pure bliss.
I don't want to pretend anymore, hide away I want all of me right now
all the ugly gross parts
that want to appear I accept them I invite them to come forth, Im
ready to die Oh lord I;m ready to die with a capital D.
FUCK I just became consious of the fact that I can express my truth
at any given moment my true self can't be put down anialated
destroyed it's invinsible.
I ME MY TRUE SELF can't be rejected there is no such thing.
I keep having to pass on my thoughts. Let them go. The answers that my
clever fuck mind so generously volunteers for me to satisfy my
partners need to know me, thanks but no thanks. It aint good enough.
Work harder. I want to deepen, i want to keep making jumps to the next
level. COME ON! 3 Dyads in, I am worried. I am worried i will spend 3
days of giving bullshit answers. Help myself.
Lany
Lany
I'm suddenly just an empty vessle pur your everything into me I have
infinate room, for everyone love joy I am joy I'm the love there is
nothing else fill me up I'm ready to recieve.
Lany
LISA
Am I this or am I that? Slipping down into ego, slipping up into
consciousness. I feel the drawing up - irresistable, natural,
instinctive, magnetic, familiar, known. I feel the drawing down -
panic, fear, having to let go of something that I want to keep.
Things that the mind has made so precious. Things that the mind can't
imagine living without. The whole point of existence hinges on
keeping these things. If I let them all go, then who will see me. If
I'm not seen then who will love me. If I'm not loved then I don't
exist anymore. Who is existing then? It's such a stupid game. I'm
tired of the game of matching ego against ego - working out how to get
what I want, playing under rules and regulations that have never
worked. Frustration. Frustration about wasting even more time in
dwelling in this shit for even a moment longer.
This or that? It's all up to me. I have the power to be this or
that. Make a choice. A friend of mine tells me to just make a
choice, any choice, stop vacillitating in ambivalence and
apprehension. He says, whatever choice I make will be instantly
corrected by Spirit to serve the ultimate purpose. I see more now
though, that I think I am making choices with my mind - choosing for
doingness; in actuality Self is being in a way that how the choices
are being made would never be able to be comprehended by the mind.
It's not even choice being made, it's just this non-individual being
expressing into the world in it's own unique way. There are
expressions occurring, not choices being made. Every experience in
this life, every other in this life, every event in this life, every
thing in and surrounding this life, are all occurring at the behest of
myself. From the power and potential that flows from Self, a life is
created. And it's perfect. Self created. Inspired. Alive. Roaring
through the world. Touching all things. Attaching to no thing.
LISA
DARREN
for the first time since arriving i've felt a feeling of not wanting
to be here. the last couple of hours it's been more a a challenge to
keep my attention on myself and a vague feeling of fear or dislike of
what's happening. my ego wants it to mean that i'm making progress and
yet it could also just be a slipping back which is also my ego.
there's a very quiet but present determination to continue doing the
technique.
DARREN
Con
Calm. The thoughts wash away as quickly as they came. Left in their
wake is emptiness. The silent dark space in my brain. I feel calm.
Trying to get a sense of myself when there is nothing left to hang on
to. Im not my personalities. Im not my memories. Im not my stories. Im
not my moods. And i sure as shit aint my fears. Whats left? Lets see
what storm may bring tomorrow.
Con
MINH-TRI LE
FOR SO LONG I HAD THOUGHT I AM WHAT MY BODY IS, AND WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE. FOR SO LONG I THOUGHT OTHER PEOPLE WAS HOW THEY LOOKED. FOR THE
FIRST TIME I WALKED IN THE GARDEN OF KNOWING MYSELF WITHOUT THE
JUDGING EYE - FOR THE FIRST TIME! IT WAS LIKE WITNESSING A STAR IN THE
SKY FROM DARKNESS. HOW COULD I EVER, EVER , EVER FORGET THIS KNOWING.
MY HEART OPENED 800% TO MYSELF, IT FELT SO RIGHT. MY HEART OPENED AS
MUCH TO OTHERS - IT FELT SO VERY RIGHT. GOODBYE.. AND HELLO!!!
MINH-TRI LE
----------
Kosta
Love (from Me to Me),
Me
Kosta
christy
sit and Notice all the body distractions
I immediately have to go to the toliet
my throat tightnes
hard to breathe
I notice my spine aches
I am holding my attention throught it all
then my body begins toshake massively
I fear going into convulsions
focus is broken now
christy
christy
There is a sense of distraction of all the sounds
I keep bringing my attention back to myself
I name the distractions and let them go
To bring myself back to myself
Then there seems to be a subtle essence
Of the summerness that is
Individual things/noises blend into one
But there is an unsuredness about this when
The thought/mind breaks in again
Its all so subtle,
christy
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